The forty-one year old, tall, athletic man stood before me in a distinctively miffed mood. He was explaining what annoyed him the most about dating. "I have a fourteen-year old daughter. I love her dearly. It's tough to find time to date in the midst of her soccer games, gym practice, the clubs and organizations. But I try and what really gets me is when a woman says to me, 'Oh, you're a great dad.' I mean, I know this. Pay attention to me, not whether I'd serve as some plug-n-play for your single parent household." At first I thought he was a tad too touchy. Upon further thought, I realized he was echoing a sentiment many women have about dating, which is: "Don't Compare Me to a Supermodel - I Know I'm Not!" And, I told him this. So many of the women I know are wonderful. They have good jobs and care for their children, friends and families. They're loyal but cautious. They know they're no longer twenty-one or even thirty-one. A few pounds here and a few wrinkles there can make a former rock'n'roll babe feel like Cher. (During an interview, she admitted her annoyance with aging as she remarked, "getting old sucks.") But what I took away from this conversation was another perspective on the dating game. Men need to be valued for who they are, too. Not their jobs. Not their wallets. Not their homes, stock portfolios, or even parenting skills - but their own loveable selves. I've met men who loathe dating just as much as women. They're not sure whether to pay for the first date or open the door for her. Many older men had nightmarish experiences in divorce court where their ex-wife took everything they had, including the kitchen sink. They're a little skittish if a woman immediately asks them about their portfolio on the first date. Women have also had their share of pain as their plans for a lifelong love evaporated because their partner found someone else. When dating, remember to focus on the person getting to know their interests instead of their checkbook or their past failures. Ask questions that will reveal what motivates them or what drew them to the career they chose. As you show a genuine interest in the person sitting across from you, you'll discover what makes him or her tick. This will greatly help you in making a decision of whether the person is right for you or not. I told this dear man that women also have their hot buttons. Women are forever telling me they wish a man could see past the fact they don't have a model's figure. They wish someone could just see how great they really are. He nodded thoughtfully. I could tell he was a great guy and hoped he'd find someone special. It's tough to do that when you're raising a kid. Just don't tell him right off the bat he's a great father. Instead, ask him about the latest alternative music group. Then he will really be happy. |
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