Over the past couple of weeks Ive had dialogues with women who assumed responsibility for other peoples bad behaviour. One was the friend who introduced my daughter to the driving instructor who became increasingly unpleasant. She felt bad about it, although he did not. His behaviour was his responsibility. Period. Another is a woman whose husband has serious mental health problems. Without constant, strong medication he can become very violent. This mans repertoire includes a number of abusive behaviours, but the gravity of his mental health problems mean that he does not fit the profile of the typical abusive man. His wife believes she is responsible for protecting society from him. The task she has set herself is well nigh impossible. The toll it takes on her is immense. Her argument is: if she doesnt do it, who will? Culturally speaking, most women have been brought up with a buck stops here mentality. Someone elses buck has only to stop in front of us and we pick it up. We dont send it rolling off in another direction or drop it down the nearest drain. (Even as I write this, I feel the pangs of conditioned guilt. But Ill do battle with them womanfully.) Women are trained to be unselfish and unselfishness, in practice, often means shouldering whatever burdens are dumped at your door. Preferably, uncomplainingly. Irresponsibility equates with selfishness which we all know to be a crime and unwomanly. Sure, unwomanly is an old fashioned word, but it fits. Cutting to the chase, the sad fact is that women are so busy taking responsibility for other peoples behaviour that they neglect their own needs and their own happiness. Duty and responsibility are mandatory, and happiness is notional. Nice women sit back and wait for happiness to come to them. (Possibly, like Victorian wives, they think of England as they do so.) It goes without saying that happiness and abusive relationships dont go together, at all. Nobody ever goes out looking to be abused in a relationship and nobody is ever to blame for the misery that becomes their lot. (In fact, blame is a pretty unconstructive concept in personal relationships; you end up getting hooked into ownership of blame to the exclusion of more useful things.) Abusers are responsible for their bad behaviour; their behaviour is never your fault. Nor is finding yourself in an abusive relationship ever your fault. There are reasons why it happens not least societys profound ignorance of this ugly reality. (Only yesterday an intelligent woman said to me, in good faith: At least women arent stuck in physically violent relationships these days.) So who takes responsibility for your happiness? I believe that that responsibility lies with you: everyone has the responsibility to nurture their own right to happiness. And I acknowledge that when you are at rock bottom happiness may seem to belong on another galaxy altogether. It panned out that way because you never felt you had a responsibility to ensure your own happiness. Somehow weve managed to create a schism between love and happiness: loving someone sanctions enduring endless misery with them. They take no responsibility for your happiness- which is strange, when you take responsibility for theirs. Im aware that I feel I have to explain and paraphrase happiness. It seems there is something faintly indecent about actively concerning yourself with your own happiness: that too tends to be labelled selfishness. Self-care, a newish buzz word, is more acceptable, but still does not sit easily with a lot of people. If it did, we coaches would not spend so much time and energy explaining it to clients. Self-preservation, on the other hand, is much more respectable. Happiness, in the end, is about self-preservation. Women who run on empty, taking sole responsibility for their partner are, without wishing to be, gradually consumed. As women, its all too easy for us to see what we do for other people as obligatory, while what we do for ourselves is optional. Or, to put it crudely, were cr*p at understanding that our own needs and rights are important. Were great at the responsibility stuff provided its our responsibilities towards other people. We just tend not to understand we have important responsibilities towards ourselves also. You may not know what happiness looks like right now, but just reminding yourself that you take responsibility for it and exercise your right to create conditions in which you can be happy, is a powerful way of transforming your mind-set. You may not feel very good at happiness, but youre a star at responsibility. Add your happiness to the list of what you take responsibility for and youll start moving towards it. |
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