He doesnt have any feelings, said Mrs. Jones (not her real name). In fact, I dont think he has ever once told me how he was feeling. Ever hear that statement before? I certainly have. As a psychotherapist working with couples, I hear a common complaint from women that the men in their lives dont have any feelings. Or, if they do, they dont admit it. So what is the deal with men and their feelings? Men, like all humans, come with feelings as part of the package. However, the way we raise boys in this society does not encourage them to talk about or even experience feelings. Men often do not learn to name their feelings or to ask themselves how they are feeling. This is sometimes a shock to women, who are raised in a feelings-centric way. Women are encouraged from an early age by their moms, sisters, and girlfriends to share and talk about their feelings and process them. They develop an understanding of the range of feelings available to a person and, just as importantly, they develop the language to share that understanding with others. But, boys dont grow up that way. The code of being a boy discourages expression of most feelings. As a rule, boys are allowed to feel OK and they are allowed to feel pissed off. Think about this. How often are boys or men encouraged to express fear? How often are boys or men encouraged to express sadness? Not often. Half of the feelings landscape is unavailable to boys from an early age. They get the happy and mad options but not the sad or scared options. Also, men, by and large, are not asking their sons to share their feelings. Men learn from other men to understand that you need to take it like a man when things go wrong. This usually translates to being stoic, strong, not soft. A comment I heard early in my training as a psychotherapist was that mental health involves having access to the full range of emotions. Boys mostly dont get taught that expressing a full range of emotions is accepted. A colleague was suggesting to me that things are changing because there are more single moms raising sons in the society and these sons will get a more rounded approach to feelings and their expression. I hope that is true, however, these same boys will come in contact with other boys and men who have learned the code of being stoic and strong and who will expect all boys to adhere to it. |
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